


If I Don't See You Anymore

by euphoric_vibes



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Mentions of Briana Jungwirth - Freeform, Minor Character Death, Panic Attack, Sex, emotional cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-29 19:03:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11447118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoric_vibes/pseuds/euphoric_vibes
Summary: Who was I to make you waitJust one chance, just one breathJust in case there's just one leftLouis figured that whenever his mum finally passed that the connection between him and Eleanor would disappear, but he can tell just by his actions already this morning and his need to be near her and not anyone else, that it isn’t going to be easy to get rid of. If he’s honest, he might not even want it to.





	If I Don't See You Anymore

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result I get when back in February it was 'confirmed' Louis and Eleanor got back together and my mind went absolutely WILD about how that happened and all the little details in between.
> 
> A thousand thank you's too my twin who had to listen to me whine about this for like 4 months before i finally finished it and continuously gave me ideas when my initial fired up inspiration to write this went dull.
> 
> P.S Danielle and Briana are not cast in the best light so ya'll gonna have to take that for what it is.
> 
> P.P.S Title song lyrics: Far Away by Nickelback

**_ December 2016 _ **

Louis’ in the car on his way home, when he gets the first text. He knows exactly what it is about when he sees that it’s from Dan.

_She’s gone Lou._

Louis feels like a brick has been dropped into his stomach after he reads the words and he suddenly can’t breathe.

He was almost home, and now it’s the last place he wants to be, knowing now his mother isn’t there.

“Louis.”

He flinches at Danielle’s hand on his shoulder, she’s clearly read the text, sitting so close to him there’s no way she missed it. But he doesn’t want to be touched right now, he sees the concern and sympathy all over her face and he doesn’t want that either.

“I’m gong to drop you at the hotel.” he tells her, he leans down for his backpack, not really wanting anything but to be out of Danielle’s reach

“Where are you going to go?” Danielle asks him.

“I don’t know.” he lies.

“You shouldn’t be alone right now Louis.” she tells him. “Let’s just go see your sisters. I’m sure they need to see you more than ever right now.”

“I don’t want to see anyone right now, Danielle.” he snaps.

It’s another lie, there’s only one person he wants to see, one person he needs. Though he knows the right thing to do would be to go to his sisters, he wants to be selfish right now. He knows the face he’ll have to put on later, knows that he’s going to be and has to be the rock everyone else is gong to need to lean on; but before he does all that he needs to have his own moment.

He goes to the hotel first anyway and sends a text to Briana to tell her that she can keep Freddie for the moment. Once he knows they’re all checked into the hotel he gets back into the car and gives the driver another address.

Louis doesn’t know if the driver had stepped on it, or if he zoned out so much that he wasn’t paying attention but it seems like minutes that he’s entering the code for a familiar gate.

“Don’t wait.” he tells the driver as he gets out of the car.

It’s still dark this early in the morning; Louis doesn’t even know if the person is awake at this hour, he wonders if maybe Dan or one of his sisters called or maybe his grandparents. He doesn’t see the car but it’s a possibility it’s in the garage. Louis stutters in his step over the thought they could have been with his mum. But he shakes that thought out of his quickly, knowing if that was the case then the first text he received wouldn’t have been from Dan.

He gets an answer for everything when he gets to the door and sees that it’s already open because she’s standing there waiting for him. She’s not wearing bottoms, just a tank top, her hair is tousled in a way that tells him she was just woken up; the look on her face and her phone in her hands also tells him that she’s awake because someone told her the news.

Louis keeps it together long enough that she can close the door behind him but the second he finally looks at her, Dan‘s text flashing in his head, the breath he lets out turns quickly into a sob.

“She’s gone Els.”

“I know, love.” Eleanor nods.

“I can’t go there right now, I-” Louis shakes his head. “My sisters and the twins, I just can’t do it right now.”

“That’s okay Louis.” she says to him.

Louis crumples to his knees as if someone’s cut strings that were holding him up.

“I need-”

He’s not able to take a full breath in.

He feels it more than sees Eleanor move closer to him; her fingers push through his hair and tilt his head back so he can see her. There’s twenty different emotions coursing through him at the moment but there’s only one he can manage to put one into words.

“I need you.”

“I’m here.” she soothes him.

“What am I supposed to do now? How do I do this without her? I don’t know what to do.”

“I’ll be here to help you Louis.” Eleanor promises him.

She doesn’t like seeing him like this, he’s scared and sad at the same time and she doesn’t even know how to start to try and fix it for him.

“My mum!” Louis sobs.

Eleanor drops down to her knees in front of him and gathers Louis in her arms, letting him bury his face into her shoulder and cry. They both know it’s going to be the only time he’s going to get let it out like this.

“I’m so sorry.” Eleanor strokes his hair.

Louis lets himself cry in Eleanor’s arms because the minute he leaves this house he’s going to have to be everyone’s big brother, the rock everyone else is going to be looking to lean on. It’s the one chance he’s got to be vulnerable like this with the only person who will let him.

*

When Louis wakes up a few hours later he instantly remembers where he is and who’s he with, but when it clicks for him why he’s there, he feels that brick in his stomach all over again. Louis doesn’t remember moving to her bed or how it turned out to be that they got wrapped up around each other and tangled in her sheets. Louis sits up with a yawn after a while, blinking against the sun shining bright through the window, he can feel his eyes are swollen unsure if it‘s from sleep or from crying. Louis stretches out and rubs at his eyes, Eleanor shifts a bit next to him and he turns towards her movements.

She looks peaceful, lips slightly parted, hair fanned out against the pillow, Louis brought the sheet down when he sat up and he can’t help but let his eyes wander up Eleanor’s bare legs. Her tank had been pushed up so her knickers are now on display and he finds himself staring too long.

He forces himself to look away.

He feels guilty all of a sudden, because he shouldn’t be here, even though they had only slept he knows he shouldn’t have woken up next to Eleanor in her bed. Not when he’s got a girlfriend waiting for him back in a hotel room. Then he gets hit with a wave of confusion because he _wants_ to be here. Eleanor is now the only woman in the world who knows him better than anyone and he doesn’t trust anyone else to help him like he needs without having to say a word or explain. 

Louis jumps at the sudden sound of Eleanor’s alarm going off at the same time his own phone lights up with a call. Louis scrambles to silence both of them but in the process he jostles Eleanor awake.

“Sorry.” he whispers setting both phones on the bed.

Eleanor stretches and Louis watches her top rise even further up her stomach.

“How long were we asleep.” she yawns.

“Not long enough.” Louis replies.

She nods while grabbing her phone, squinting at it as she pulls her knees up to rest her feet flat on the bed. Louis finds himself drawn back to her legs.

“I have a meeting I need to cancel. I had a viewing around noon for a possible shoot, but I‘ll them I have a family emergency.”

“You don’t need to cancel because me.” Louis tells her, there’s an all too familiar feeling of guilt about her not being able to attend things she wants because of him. He doesn’t want that to start again.

“Louis, of course I need to. It’s not only because of you either, I’d already promised the girls that I’d be by.” she says.

He feels uneasy about her choosing to skip her meeting, but at the same time he also feels a little distressed about having to go through this day without her. It’s the flicker of emotions on his face that makes her sit up, her hand instantly coming up and around to cup the back of his neck.

“I meat what I said earlier, I’m here for you. No matter what.”

“Only if you’re sure.” he says.

“Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.” she assures him.

He nods and leans into her touch and he considers lying back down with her for a few moments more, but the thought is interrupted when his phone starts ringing again. Louis doesn’t even blink as he watches Eleanor answer the call.

“Hello?”

Louis waits for a look of recognition on her face for the person who’s called but he doesn’t find it. Instead he watches Eleanor’s nose twitch in a way that he knows means she’s mildly irritated.

“Just a moment he’s right here.” she says into the phone and then holds it out to him. “It’s Danielle.”

He takes it from her silently, and the guilt from when he first woke up settles is back again.

“I’m going to go shower.” she strokes her hand through his hair once before she climbs off the bed.

Louis watches as he grabs her robe from her makeup chair and pads into the bathroom, he waits until she closes the door behind her before he brings the phone to his ear.

“Hi.” he says.

“Was that Eleanor?” Danielle asks, there are all types of accusations behind her words but they’re not angry.

“It was.” Louis yawns and lays flat on his back.

“I thought you weren’t going to see anyone?”

“She’s not just anyone.” he says, and he immediately knows how that sounds. “I needed to check on her, she was just as close to my mum as I was.”

Louis swallows the lump that comes with using the past tense.

Danielle is quiet on the other end and Louis doesn’t say anything either, he doesn’t know what she wants from him right now.

“Briana and I are at your mom’s right now, we thought that’s where you went.” she says after a while. When Louis doesn’t reply she continues on. “Your sisters are asking about you.”

“I’ll be there in a bit. I’ll call Lottie right now.”

“Louis.” she sounds frustrated now. “There were people here that have come to take your mom. The girls are really upset.”

“Okay.” Louis says, and he feels himself starting to get mad because the last thing he wants is to be badgered right now.

“You’ll be on your way?” she asks.

“In a bit.” he repeats himself. Because he’s not going to go without Eleanor and he knows she won’t go until he’s ready.

“Louis.” Danielle sighs. “I just want to help.”

“I know, but I’m not sure I want help right now.” he tells her

She lets out a sigh and then clears her throat. “Okay, I can understand that. I’ll see you soon okay?”

“Soon.” he confirms.

“I love you?” she says it as a question and it takes a moment for Louis to even realize she’s said it.

“Love you too.” he replies and he hangs up before it gets any more difficult to be on the phone with her.

Louis rolls over on to his stomach and buries his head under a pillow, he wonders for a moment if it would be acceptable to just stay there for the rest of the day and just deal with everything tomorrow.

He thinks about the phone calls he’ll have to place, the statements he’ll have to approve, the arrangements he’ll have to make, and the questions he’ll have to answer. Louis’ never been in a situation like this, not when he‘s at the center of it anyway. His mum was the buffer during stuff like this; Louis doesn’t know what to do now that she’s not here to help him.

Louis pulls his head from the pillow because he’s suddenly hot and he can’t breathe. He’s hit with the fresh air and he takes in a few breaths but he can’t seem to actually get any air into his lungs. He moves up on to his knees and he’s hit with a sudden wave of nausea.

He’s slow to get off the bed and once he’s got both feet on the floor he’s aware of how shaky he is. Louis tries to take in a few more breaths while he braves the few steps towards the bathroom.

He remembers once he’s opened the door and hears the shower that Eleanor’s inside, but he figures the interruption is better than vomiting on her bedroom floor.

He kneels next to the toilet with his back towards the shower door, even though he can’t see her, he doesn’t want her to think he’s trying to peek.

Louis pulls his knees up and locks his arms around his legs. He’s sat there for a few moments when he realizes that Eleanor is singing, it’s few seconds longer that he notices that she doesn’t have music playing. He doesn’t know the song she’s singing but he smiles at her light voice rising above the water falling. Louis smiles because of all the things that have changed about Eleanor, this is one of the things that haven’t. She would always sing to herself when she showered and thought Louis wasn’t home, or when she was supposed to be concentrating on something but couldn’t quite focus.

Eleanor finishes her song and the next one she starts singing is one he recognizes and he can’t help but let out a small chuckle.

“Louis?” Eleanor calls out.

“Yeah, it’s me, hi, sorry.”

“Are you alright? Did you need something?” she asks.

Louis is about to tell her how he’s feeling sick but realizes that he no longer feels it. Not nauseous, or dizzy, and he can take in a breath and actually feel it through his entire body.

“Louis?” Eleanor calls again and now she sounds worried.

Louis looks over his shoulder and he can see her peering over the clear part of the mostly opaque shower door.

“I wasn’t creeping, I promise.” he tells her.

“I’m not worried about that.” she says. “Are you okay?”

“Will you keep singing?”

Eleanor furrows her eyebrows at him, she’s a bit confused by his request.

“Only if you tell me if you’re okay.” she reasons

“I’ll be okay after you keep singing.” he says to her.

Eleanor makes a thoughtful little hum but continues her singing as she goes back to washing her hair.

Louis rests his chin back on knees and closes his eyes, letting Eleanor’s voice fill his head. He knew he would be leaning on Eleanor throughout this, she’d been there for her him the last four months. She was even the one who told him about his mum being sick because his mum asked her to, thinking that Louis would be able to handle it better coming from Eleanor. Louis spent the last few months talking to Eleanor when he couldn’t talk to anyone else. She’d been the one he cried at night to over the phone when he started getting to much into his head about what was happening. Eleanor had also been the one who really told him the truth about how his mum was doing when he knew Jay was trying to spare him feelings.

Louis figured that whenever his mum finally passed that the connection between him and Eleanor would disappear, but he can tell just by his actions already this morning and his need to be near her and not anyone else, that it isn’t going to be easy to get rid of. If he’s honest, he might not even want it to.

~

_X Factor_

It’s a friendly home feeling being in the X Factor dressing rooms he’s always loved coming back here. In this moment he’s surrounded by a barrage of people but he’s never felt so alone. The door might as well be replaced by a revolving door because there’s a constant line of people coming in and out. It’s a mix of his own group running errands or it’s the x factor crew coming to give them new updates or far off friends who have come by to express condolences and give Louis sad smiles and hugs he’d rather not have to return. He wants nothing more than to be able to lock everyone out and just be alone; a room full of people is the last place he wants to be. But he knows that’s rude and as much as he wants to he knows he can’t bail out on this. He promised his mum he would do this for her and he can‘t break that, not now.

The door opens again and out of habit Louis looks up to see who it is.

His stomach flips over in the best type of way when he sees it’s Eleanor. They must have a magnetic pull because she’s managed to pick him right out in the mess of what is at least twenty five people in this room. When they lock eyes and she smiles at him, not only does his stomach flip back over but his heart feels like it’s skipped a few beats too.

He’d be lying if he said Eleanor wasn’t his bright spot these last couple of days. Through endless phone calls and people coming by his mother’s house to see him and the kids, it’s been an exhausting few days but Eleanor’s kept him grounded and from pulling his hair out. And it’s not even that she’s going out of her way to make herself known, it’s almost the opposite. She always seems to keep herself busy with one of his sisters or she’s tucked herself in a corner just to keep an eye on everything, but it’s knowing that she’s _there_ , that’s keeping him in check. Louis thinks he’s getting himself into trouble because during the last few nights when he couldn’t sleep, he’s found himself on her doorstop in the middle of the night. He’s been falling asleep next to her after he’s finished unloading his feelings on her, and she’s sat there and listened to all of it without a complaint. It’s been the best worst sleeps he’s had in the last few months.

Louis’ phone vibrates in his hand and he doesn’t even have to look at the name, he knows it’s from Eleanor.

_Looking a bit ill aren’t ya._

**_Kinda wishing I would melt into the carpet if I’m honest._ **

_I know an escape route :D_

**_What’s the plan then?_ **

_The bathrooms attached to this dressing room lead into another, I know it’s empty. Can meet you on the other side?_

**_Up for it._ **

_Head out in five._

Louis watches her leave the room again and it’s the longest five minutes he’s ever had to wait before he gets up and heads through the bathroom doors. Sure enough, there’s a door on the opposite wall at the end of the stalls that leads into an empty dressing room. It’s quite a bit of distance once Louis exit’s the other door but he knows he’s on a deserted side of the building now. He doesn’t know how Eleanor made it so fast, but she’s leaning against the wall waiting for him

“Almost like magic huh.” she grins and motions for him to follow her, she turns one more corner and they come to a flight of stairs, Eleanor takes a few of the steps before sitting down and Louis plops down next to her.

They’re quiet for a while, all Louis hears is the ringing in his ears and Eleanor’s soft breathing. They’re sat close enough that their knees are touching and Louis focuses his breathing to match hers.

“Sort of shitting myself about this.” Louis admits after a while.

“You’d be a bit lame if you weren’t.” Eleanor says.

“This is an odd feeling.” Louis wrings his heads together. “I keep thinking that the boys are just late but they’ll show up at the last minute. This is the worst kind of way to be doing this. I didn’t want it like this.”

“You don’t have to do it.” she reminds him. “It’s not like anyone is going to force you.”

“That’d be a bit of a dick move.” Louis rubs his hands over his face. “I want to do it. I just wish she was here. And I want people to stop coming up to me telling me how sorry they are. It’s a bunch of bullshit I think.”

“Everyone loves your mum.” she says. “They just want to show they’re supportive.”

“Supportive of what though? That’s what I don’t get.” Louis throws his hands out. “What are they really trying to be supportive of? Like did they really know her? She wasn’t their mum; they’re not the ones who are going to have to alter their daily lives. They’re not the ones who are going to have to try to explain to two year olds where their mum is. They’re not sorry at all. It’s just you really don’t have much to say to a bunch of kids whose mother just died.”

Louis doesn’t realize he had been shaking until Eleanor presses closer to him; wrapping her arm around his back, her chin on his shoulder, her other hand closes over his own that had balled into a fist. She doesn’t say anything though, but he doesn’t need her to, her touch is enough to start to soothe him and once again he focuses so that they’re breathing in sync.

“Thank you for being here.” he whispers once he’s calm.

“I know how much you love your mum Louis, so I understand how hard this is for you. This brave face that you’re putting on for everyone else, you don’t have to do it with me.”

“I know that.” Louis opens up his hand and laces his fingers with Eleanor’s and changes the subject. “We’re all going to go out tonight, some sort of celebration or whatever. You going to come?”

“Your regular crew going?” she asks him.

“The whole lot of them.” Louis sighs like he’s already tired.

“I think I’ll pass, it’s been a while but I do remember that Calvin and I never agree when there’s alcohol around.” her fingers have made her way under Louis’ t-shirt and she teases her fingers at the dip in his back. “But you know where I’ll be when you need me.”

“It’ll probably be a late night.” Louis shakes his head. “You don’t have to stay up.”

Eleanor pulls her hand from Louis’ for just a moment to reach in her pocket, he doesn’t see what she’s got but when she presses their palms back together he feels something cold and tiny. He recognizes the feel of a key.

“Whether I’m awake or not, gate and alarm code won‘t change.” she says.

Louis doesn’t have time to reply. Their little hide away has been interrupted by footsteps and familiar voices calling his name. It’s mere seconds when Lottie and Danielle round the corner and they both stop in their tracks, taking in the sight of the two of them on the stairs.

Lottie is first to recover

“Gone and disappeared on us didn’t ya. Teasdale wants to take a crack at your hair.” Lottie fixes them with a look that’s both confused and amused but Louis thinks she’s also sort of scolding him. It’s only then that he realizes how he and Eleanor being this close might look. It must click for Eleanor too or it’s the look on Danielle’s face that has her pulling away from Louis completely, though he’s sure to close his hand around the key she’s given him.

“There’s not much to do with this right now.” Louis runs his hand through his hair. “It’s short.”

“Well let her at least do something to your face. Eye bags are bigger than your eyes.” Lottie says.

“You’re just a ray of sunshine aren’t ya?” Louis snaps at her.

“Who else is going to keep you on your toes?” Lottie grins.

Louis groans but pulls himself up, he gives Eleanor’s shoulder a small squeeze before he descends and hip checks Lottie.

“You’re the worst little sister.” he says.

“Good thing you have four more.” she reminds him.

Louis reaches out and tucks a stray hair behind Danielle’s ear.

“You going to help me hide from Teasdale?” he asks her.

Danielle bites her lip to keep from saying what she really wants to say. Instead she takes a deep breath and smiles.

“She usually finds you in the end.”

“It’s probably cause she’s got some kind of tracker gel in my hair or something.”

“Hmm maybe I should ask her if she’ll let me have some.” Danielle’s eyes glance quickly over to Eleanor.

“Maybe.” Louis says. He wraps his arms around Danielle’s shoulders and leads her back down the hall, leaving Lottie and Eleanor still at the stairs.

Lottie waits until she’s knows they’re out of sight before she turns to Eleanor and smiles.

“What?” Eleanor asks.

“Mum was right.” Lottie nods and giggles. “She was so right.”

“Right about what?” Eleanor raises an eyebrow.

“I think we’re all going to find out.” Lottie points at her. “Come on, Fizzy just showed up and she’s looking for you.”

Eleanor hesitates for a moment but lets Lottie take her hand and pull her up.

“We’re not supposed to have secrets Lots.” Eleanor tells her.

“Oh I don’t think it’s a secret. I think everyone knows. It’s whether or not you’re going to admit it is the issue.”

“Admit what?”

“That you’re still in love with my brother.” Lottie says.

Eleanor’s breath catches “Of course I love him, I love all of you.”

“Uh no, you misheard, I said, in love, you’re still **in** love with him.”

Eleanor stays silent.

“That’s what I thought.” Lottie giggles squeezing Eleanor to her side. “Mum did too, so like I said, she was right.”

She chooses not to argue with Lottie, knowing it wouldn’t go anywhere anyway and she’d rather focus on finding out what is happening between her and Louis rather than playing a guessing game with Lottie.

*

_“I just don’t understand why you’re doing this now.” Louis’ voice is trembling. “Why can’t you just, wait?”_

_“Don’t you think we’ve waited long enough?” Eleanor keeps her voice just above a whisper because she knows any louder and she’s going to break. “That **I’ve** , waited long enough?”_

_“We have this break coming though.” Louis’ got a look of betrayal on his face. “And then it’s just you and me, Eleanor don’t do this.”_

_“Louis I love you, it’s not that I don’t. That’s not the issue here, I’m just, I’m tired babe. Aren’t you tired?” she asks him._

_“It’s been four year Els.” Louis reminds her instead of answering._

_“It has been four years. And I don’t want another one like this Louis. I love you too much to try and force myself to be happy when I’m not. Going weeks without seeing you, sleeping without you, going days without even talking to you. Having to remember time zones and scheduling flights just to see you for a few days before going home again. I can’t do it anymore.”_

_“But we’re almost done!” Louis shouts. He’s angry now because he knows there’s nothing he can do that’s going to change her mind and that’s his own fault. “Everything that you want, we’re going to get to have it. I’m gong to be home so much you’re probably going to get sick of me! It’s just one more tour Eleanor!”_

_“It’s the entire year Louis!” she yells back because it’s easier.  It’s easier to fight with him because she knows it’s the only way he’s going to let her go._

_“You’re asking me to wait it out another fucking year! Is that fair? Do you honestly think that’s fair to me? To us?”_

_And Louis’ left speechless because she’s right. Deep down he’s not surprised that she’s finally fed up with this, her life being on hold because of him. She deserves better, she always has and he loves her too much to make her stay._

_“Okay.” and now it’s Louis turn to break, but he quickly wipes his eyes. He steps around the table and takes Eleanor’s hands, pulling her into his arms. “If this is truly what you want then okay.”_

_Eleanor buries her face into his chest and sobs. It’s not what she wants, but it’s what she has to do, what’s best for her. Louis strokes his hands through her hair and down her back._

_“I understand, and you’re right, it’s not fair, it never was.”_

_“I love you, you have to know that.”  Eleanor digs her fingers into his hips._

_“I love you too.” Louis kisses her forehead, he cups the back of her head tilts her to look at him. “If you need to go then I’m going to let you go. Can I just ask you one last thing.”_

_Eleanor nods, blinking tears away._

_“Can it be tomorrow?” Louis breathes. “Can we have more night?”_

_Eleanor answers by kissing him._

_*_

_The silence is what’s killing him the most. He’s always been able to read Eleanor’s mood, but right now it’s radio silence. He almost wishes she would yell, he knows how to deal with yelling, or even crying. He doesn’t know how to deal with, nothing. But Eleanor’s been sat at the counter for at least five minutes now and hasn’t said a word or moved a centimeter. He can feel his own heartbeat in his ear._

_“Will you say something?” Louis whispers after he can‘t stand it anymore._

_“I don’t know what you want me to say.” she’s completely deadpan._

_“I want you to say whatever you’re thinking.” Louis says._

_Eleanor shakes her head and fidgets with her necklace. Louis reaches across the counter to take her hand but that does the trick and snaps Eleanor out of her trance._

_“Do not fucking touch me.” she pulls back so far that she about falls off the stool. She backs herself completely to other side of the kitchen._

_“Oh my god.” she lets out a breath of air. “Oh my god. Louis I can’t believe you.”_

_“Els.” he winces because he hears the hurt in her voice now. He immediately wishes back her emotionless state. “I’m so sorry.”_

_“It’s the only thing I ever wanted from you Louis. The **one** thing, and you, you went and, oh my god.” _

_Eleanor covers her mouth with her hands and she screams, actually screams, and then she starts crying._

_“I’m sorry.” Louis repeats._

_“I wanted it, I wanted that for us, and you didn’t-”_

_“No I did.” Louis cuts her off. “I wanted it too, don’t you even dare say that I didn’t because you know it’s a lie.”_

_“So then why didn’t you!” Eleanor is around the counter in a flash and she grabs his shoulders. “I wanted us to be together, I wanted the ring, and the wedding, and the family, and I wanted it with you!”_

_“You broke up with me Eleanor! Or did you forget that? You ended things because you didn’t want to wait!” Louis shouts._

_“So you go and give it to someone else! Someone you don’t even really know! That’s what you said Louis. You don’t even really know her! And now she’s going to have your baby. She’s going to-” Eleanor sways and her knees give out from under her, Louis catches her and they sink to the floor together._

_“It wasn’t like that; I didn’t do this on purpose.” Louis holds her tight._

_“It doesn’t matter.” Eleanor gasps through her tears. “It doesn’t matter, this girl is going to have your baby and you will never be able to take that back.”_

_“I wish it was you.”_

_It was supposed to be her, they had talked about it, he knew that’s what she wanted and he wanted to give it to her but Eleanor was tired of just talking about it; she wanted to make it happen and he was still holding off because of tour, or and album. She didn’t want to wait but she also didn’t want to make him choose, so she chose for him and left. She thought once the bands break started they would pick it up again. It’s what they talked about the next morning before she left. She hoped it would be easy after that. But he never came back for her._

_She never imagined something like this to happen._

_She’d heard through their mutual friends and a few texts from Liam that he hadn’t been okay lately. That he was going out more often than not and was waking up not remembering things he‘d done the night before. He hadn’t been himself and was being distant with everyone. She didn’t recognize the person she loved anymore. It’s definitely not this person holding her now._

_“I absolutely hate you right now.” Eleanor takes a deep breath to collect herself. “And even if it was supposed to be us, it’s not. But you do not get to wish this away. This girl is going to have your child and I accept that.”_

_Eleanor pushes at him and he lets her go immediately, she turns around to face him but she can’t bring herself to look directly at him._

_“You’re meant to be a dad, and while this isn’t what was planned, it’s what you wanted in the end. So you dig through this asshole of a little boy that’s taken over you in the last couple of weeks, and you find that man that I know you are. And you tell him to get his ass back to reality and do right by this baby because they deserve to have you at your best.”_

_“Els.” Louis sighs. He doesn’t know what to do. Her emotions have gone from nothing to angry, to sad, and back again and he doesn’t know what to process first. She doesn’t give him a chance._

_“You make this right Louis, no matter who’s giving this to you,” Eleanor’s voice trembles. “It’s still your child.”_

_Eleanor stands up to dust herself off, she straightens out her clothes and adjusts her hair. Louis watches her fix her expression into something blank and closed off._

_“I don’t have anything else to say to you, and I don’t want to hear excuses or apologies from you anymore, I want you to leave.” she says._

_Louis gets up without a word and he starts to make a move like he wants to reach out to Eleanor but the look on her face keeps him from doing so._

_“I know how bad this is for you, it’s why I wanted to come and tell you first before anyone else. You’ve got every right to be angry with me, and I’m not going to try and make you not be. I just hope that in time you’ll forgive me, the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”_

_Eleanor crosses her arms and ducks her head down._

_He grabs his keys and his phone from the counter and leaves without another word or a look. Once Eleanor hears the front door close behind him, she doubles over and cries._

_*_

Eleanor wakes with a start, and the first thing she senses is another person in the room. But it’s only a few seconds before she relaxes again when she recognizes it’s Louis. She rolls over on to her back to find him sitting cross legged at the edge of her bed, Bruce’s head in his lap.

“You were crying.” Louis comments. “Bad dreams?”

“Memories.” she admits, she touches her face and finds out he was right, she was crying.

“Makes sense.” Louis nods. “You were saying my name.”

Eleanor takes a deep breath and mops her eyes.

“At first I thought maybe you were having a good one?” Louis smiles slightly. “You were moaning a bit.”

Eleanor shifts under her sheets.

“You went quiet for a little and then you started to cry. I was getting ready to wake you up.” Louis calls for Bruce to get down from the bed and then he shifts closer to Eleanor. “Don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing that I can still make you cry.”

“I went to sleep thinking about you. Worrying a bit.” Eleanor tells him and she’s not embarrassed for him to know that. “Wishing that I just went ahead and gone with you. Going to bed thinking about you led to me dreaming about the night we broke up and that day you told me about your son.”

Louis grimaces. “Not our best moments.”

Eleanor sits up a little bit “We had better moments.”

“I want us to _have_ better moments.” Louis tells her. “You know, despite all this chaos going on now. We’re friends aren’t we?”

“Friends?” Eleanor snorts. “You’re in my bed at two a.m. when you have a girlfriend in a hotel somewhere, you think this is friendly?”

“Do you want it to be friendly?” Louis asks tilting his head curiously. He’s a little taken aback about the route she just turned them on to. He wasn’t dumb enough to pretend that something was fizzling, he just was going to bring it up in case she didn’t want to talk about it.

“We shouldn’t do this Louis.” Eleanor pulls at a thread in her comforter.

“We’re not doing anything wrong.” Louis shakes his head. “Nothing’s happened.”

“Not yet.” Eleanor says. “I feel like something is going to.”

“Nothing will happen unless you want it to Eleanor.”

“And that’s the problem isn’t it? I want it to. I also know that I shouldn’t want it to. You do have a girlfriend. So how do we know if it’s real or not? How do we know this isn’t our emotions running out of our control because we just lost your mum? I don’t want to make a mistake that’s going to end up ruining whatever real friendship we just built in the last few months. If something happens I want it to be real. I need it to be real.”

They watch each other for a while, and Louis knows that she’s right about all of it. He wants to tell her that it is real for him. His feelings for her have never been nothing less. He can tell she’s not ready though, and he knows better than to force her or rush her.

“Do you want me to leave?” he moves to slide off of the bed.

“No.” Eleanor bites her lip and shakes her head. Like she’s upset with herself for that answer despite what she just said.  She pushes the comforter down next to her so that there‘s a spot for him. “I want to figure this out. But right at this moment I want you to come lay with me, like you’ve been doing, because I know if you don’t neither one of us are going to sleep.”

Louis doesn’t need her to ask again, he reaches to turn the light off and though still fully dressed he climbs over her and settles down next to her. Eleanor lets out a relieved breath and reaches out until her hand finds the curve of his neck.

It’s not long before they’re both asleep.

*

_Funeral_

“I wish I could say I was surprised.” Danielle shakes her head. “Did you sleep with her?”

Louis sits at the foot of the hotel bed while Danielle does her make up in the mirror.

“I don’t think you’re going to believe any answer that I give you.” Louis responds.

“Louis, you’re breaking up with me for another girl, you can at least answer my questions.”

“We didn’t have sex.” Louis sighs. “But I have been sleeping in her bed.”

Danielle caps her mascara and presses her fingers to her temples like she’s got a headache, after a few moments she opens her eyes and stares Louis down in the mirror.

“What is it about her Louis?” she asks. “Why are you so dependant on her?”

“I don’t know.” he admits.

“Well that’s unfortunate.” Danielle snorts, getting up from the chair. “At least if you knew I would have something to compete with.”

“It’s not a competition.” Louis shakes his head.

“Of course it’s not, it’s cause she’s obviously won. Silly me didn’t even know we were playing a game.” Danielle digs around in her suitcase for her shoes. “Why can’t you just be honest and just say you never stopped loving her?”

“I am being honest, that’s why I’m doing this. It’s not fair to stay with you when I’m not sure what my feelings are for her.”

“You’re lying.” Danielle accuses.

“Would you rather I cheated?” Louis can’t help the venom slipping into his voice.

“You already have!” Danielle snaps.

“I just told you we didn’t sleep together!”

“Emotional cheating is still cheating Louis.” Danielle tells him. “You think I couldn’t see the way you’ve been looking at her, how much you have been talking to her. You haven’t once opened up to me about your mom. The second we got here you dumped me at this hotel and then you ran off to her and she hasn’t left your side since!”

“She’s been a part of my family for six years, Danielle.” Louis keeps his voice even. “She was my mum’s best friend, she’s like another sister to my sisters, and my mum being gone affects her just as much as me. I’m not going to apologize for comforting each other.”

“This goes beyond comfort.” Danielle scoffs.

“I’m not going to keep arguing.” Louis stands up and grabs his suit jacket off the back of a chair. “I have to go bury my mother.”

Today probably wasn’t the best time to have this conversation with Danielle, but Louis is starting to learn that he’s not able to deal without having Eleanor with him, and he couldn’t have her by his side without it looking bad to Danielle. So while there is no good way to break up with someone, there is a thousand bad ones, and Louis seems to always pick the worst of them. He didn’t want to argue with her, he didn’t set out to hurt her feelings, he just wanted to be honest, and if she decided to twist that in a way she was able to cope with, then Louis would leave it at that. He’s okay with letting her think the worst of him.

~

Louis’ sitting in the large bay window, watching everyone move about his mother’s living room. Louis finds it ironically funny that the last time this many people were together like this it was when his mother was getting married.

He takes a long sip of his drink.

He can’t help but wonder why weddings and funerals are the only time people can manage to all get together. Louis tugs at his tie, feeling suddenly too tight around his neck, but he seems to only be getting it into a tighter knot. He starts to panic a little bit.

“Need help?”

Louis glances up and sees Lottie sitting standing in front of him. He drops his hands and she steps forward and quickly undoes his tie.

“Rocket science.” she says draping the tie over his shoulder as she sits next to him.

Louis shrugs and takes another gulp at his drink.

“Danielle sent me a text.” she mentions. “Sounded like she was implying we wouldn’t be seeing each other again.”

“I broke up with her this morning.” Louis bluntly not bothering to even try keep this from his sister.

“Ah.” Lottie nods. “I think we saw that coming.”

“We?” Louis raises an eyebrow at her.

“Me and Fizz” she says. “And Mum.”

“What are you talking about Lots?”

“Mum had a feeling you and Eleanor would end up back together.” she tells him.

“We’re not back together though.” Louis says.

“It won’t be long. You love each other. Why else would she still be here?” Lottie questions.

“Because she loves Mum, and you, and Fizz.” Louis answers

“She doesn’t owe anything to Mum anymore Lou, and we’re all big girls, she hung out with us before specifically when you weren’t around. She’s here now, for you.”

“Did she say something to you?” Louis asks her.

“She doesn’t have to, and neither do you. Anyone with a brain can see it in the way that you look at each other.” Lottie says.

“Everyone but us apparently.” Louis mutters.

“No I don’t think that’s true.” she shakes her head. “I think the only thing that might have kept you from saying anything was Danielle.”

“She’s not ready Lots.” Louis leans back against the window. “She’s already told me she needs time.”

“Well then give her time.” Lottie nods. “Give her whatever she wants. I think she deserves that.”

Louis spots Eleanor coming out of the kitchen with Fizzy, both who have trays of food in their hands. He watches her say hello to everyone she passes, stops a few times to chat for a quick minute with some of the family members she’s familiar with before she finally gets to the food table to change out empty trays. She takes a whole new route on her way back to the kitchen, talking to even more people. At one point Doris wanders up to her and lifts her arms up and Eleanor plucks her up without hesitation. Louis agrees with his sister. Eleanor deserves whatever she wants, and Louis wants to be able to give it to her, no matter what it is.

“Mum thought so huh.” Louis hums.

“She was always Mum’s favorite.”

*

Louis’ exhausted. He’s offered to look after the little ones so Dan could go have time to himself and Lottie and her boyfriend went out to dinner. Eleanor had stayed behind after everyone left to help clean up, and she was still at it when Louis went up to put Doris and Ernest to bed. He didn’t even get through half of a bedtime story before they were both fast asleep. Louis stopped to check in on Daisy and Phoebe who both protested a bedtime, he compromised to let them stay up a bit longer as long as they turned their lights out and kept the noise down. His last stop was into Freddie’s bedroom, his son had been put to bed a long time ago but Louis just wanted to check on him.

He’s surprised to find Eleanor already in there with Freddie. Louis stops short in the doorway at the sight of Eleanor sitting in the rocking chair holding his sleeping son.

“Hi.” Louis says quietly, not wanting to startle Eleanor or wake up Freddie.

Eleanor looks up at him and she’s got an expression that she’s been caught doing something embarrassing.

“Sorry.” she says. “It’s just, I knew you were trying to get the twins to sleep, and the monitor was on and I heard him crying. I thought it would be easier if I just came in. I just think maybe he was a bit lonely. He went right back to sleep as soon I picked him up.”

“It’s alright.” Louis chuckles. “It’s okay.”

Louis comes further into the room and sits on top of foot rest matching the rocking chair. It’s doing something to him, watching her cradle Freddie. He’s almost getting too big for that type of hold but he’s curled in on himself, his head just resting on Eleanor’s chest, Eleanor’s been stroking her thumb around the curve of Freddie’s ear.

“He’s getting big.” Eleanor mentions, she watches the baby sleep in her arms, an exact twin of Louis when he was a baby.

“One next month.” Louis groans.

Eleanor hums but doesn’t actually respond. It’s making her feel a type of way, having him in her arms but knowing Louis shares him with someone else.  She’s not exactly resentful; she just can’t help but wish that he was hers. She scoffs at herself because she knows how selfish that is. Her emotions are getting the best of her knowing what’s right and what’s wrong for this situation.

Eleanor looks up when she hears a click from Louis’ phone, she immediately knows he’s taken a picture.

“Louis no.” Eleanor turns her head so her hair hides her face. “Put it away.”

“Alright.” Louis chuckles but snaps another one. “Putting it away.”

“You should delete that. His mum will be upset if she knows about this.”

“She’s never going to see it.” Louis assures her. “And it wouldn’t matter if she did.”

“Maybe you should take him anyway. If she walks in on this she won’t be happy.”

“She’s not here Els, relax.” Louis reaches out and rubs his hand over Eleanor’s leg. “Freddie’s with me until my birthday.”

Eleanor visibly lets out a breath. “Why do you want that?”

“What? A picture?”

Eleanor nods.

“I don’t have enough pictures of him with my family. This is only like the third time I‘ve been able to bring him home.” Louis answers, he hasn’t removed his hand from Eleanor’s leg, in fact he starts circling his finger around her bare knee. “I was going through pictures from the last year, and I think I only have about ten of him with my mum. That’s really shitty you know.”

“Your mum has quite of few pictures of him.” Eleanor tells him.

“Yeah but they’re not together, and those are her moments. I don’t have too many of those, him with my mum, and I’m never going to get the chance to have them. He won’t ever remember her, and he’s only going to have a handful of pictures of the two of them to look at later. It’s fucking shitty. The only thing she loved more than being a mum was that she got a grandson and she didn’t even get to have a year with him.”

Eleanor leans forward as gently as she can and shifts Freddie so that she’s got him with one hand, with the other she reaches out and wipes at the tears Louis didn’t realize had fell.

“Sorry.” Louis sniffs.

‘”Don’t ever apologize.” Eleanor cups her hand around his neck.

“Long story short.” Louis clears his throat. “I just want more pictures of the little lad with the people I care about. You’re one of those people.”

Eleanor gives him a small smile and nods. “Just don’t post it.”

Louis’ hands make their way from Eleanor’s legs to her arms and up to her shoulders.

“This has been the best part of my day.” Louis says quietly.

“What has?” Eleanor asks.

“This.” Louis settles his hand over Eleanor’s that’s supporting Freddie. “You and him.”

And she doesn’t need him to explain that because she feels it too. Though she’s not sure exactly what it means for them. But being in this moment with Louis and holding his son between them, it’s something she hasn’t felt before, it makes her nervous but she’s not quite sure she wants it to go away.

Louis tucks his hand under her chin and tilts it up; she doesn’t pull away when he touches his thumb to her bottom lip. He wants to kiss her, but he won’t be able to handle it if she rejects him. He waits for her to decide.

It would be selfish of her to kiss him. He’s still with someone else and they’ve had an emotional day, Eleanor wonders if this falls into the category of taking advantage.

She comes to the conclusion that she doesn’t really care right now.

She surges forward and kisses him, and Louis being more than ready for it, kisses her back with all his might.

It’s as if nothing has changed, the feeling of her lips on his. He’s kissing her like he hasn’t spent almost two years away from her. He still feels the same, still tastes the same and Eleanor learns quickly that he still remembers that she likes when he nips at her lips. It’s overwhelming. They’ve each got a hand cupping the other’s cheek, their other hands still holding Freddie.

Eleanor pulls back with a gasp but Louis’ hand still on her neck doesn’t let her go far.

“Whoa.” Louis sighs

Eleanor feels like she’s in a haze, it’s a drunken sort of feeling he’s giving her right now. Her heart is racing, and her breathing is a bit ragged and she’s got warmth spreading throughout her that she hasn’t felt in a long time.

She needs to leave.

She moves to stand up but she’s too fast and wobbles a bit, Louis’ steadies her with his hands on her hips.

“I should go.” Eleanor says.

“You could stay.” Louis offers.

“I know.” Eleanor nods. “I could, I want to, but I shouldn’t and I know that’s the best route to take right now.”

Eleanor’s careful walking Freddie over to his crib and gently lays him down.

“I’m not going crazy right.” Louis chuckles. “You felt that didn’t you?”

“Feeling way more than what I was prepared for.” Eleanor admits. She tucks Freddie’s blanket up over his waist and when she turns around she steps right into Louis.

He winds his arms around her waist and pulls him close to her, this time kissing her with so much intensity it brings her on to her tip toes. Eleanor grabs at his shoulders, as if she’s holding on because she feels like if she doesn’t she’s going to float away. He’s never kissed her like this before. Louis tugs on her bottom lip, hard enough that she lets out a gasp and he gets the opportunity to slip his tongue past her lips. Eleanor moans into his mouth and presses herself as close to him as she can get. Louis sets her back flat on her feet after a few moments, but the grip on her waist never falters, he’s holding her so tight she’s actually bending backwards.

Eleanor’s left breathless when Louis can finally bring himself to pull away from her, but she still holds on to him because she’s certain she’s going to fall if she lets go. Louis on the other hand is a live wire, literally buzzing; he can’t resist going back in for a few more kisses, to her lips, to her jaw, on her neck. Eleanor tilts her head to the side and lets him trail kisses down her shoulder.

“Are you trying to change my mind?” Eleanor questions, tugging lightly at his hair.

“Of course not.” Louis replies hands roaming all over her back. “Just want to make sure it was good just in case it was the last time. Wanted it to be worth it.”

To make his point he kisses her one more time.

“Yeah alright.” Eleanor drops her hands over his and gently pushes them off of her.

“You going to be alright getting home?” Louis wonders, small smirk appearing. “You seem a little under the influence.”

Eleanor flips him off.

Louis watches her straighten herself out, smoothes out her dress and shakes out her hair. He laughs cause it’s a bit useless, her cheeks are red and her lips a bright pink, she’s got the exact look of someone who’s been kissed senseless.

“Good night Lou.” she says.

“Night Els.” he replies.

Louis has a bit of a panic feeling wash over him watching her start to leave. He doesn’t know if he’ll get to see her again. Lottie was right earlier, Eleanor can still come and see the girls if she wants to on her own. She doesn’t have an absolute reason anymore to talk to him or see him unless she wants to.

Eleanor pauses at the door though, gives Louis a small smile over her shoulder.

“It was worth it.”

She leaves after that.

~

“Oh please tell me we finally get to burn all this crap. Shall I get the wine?”

Max finds Eleanor sitting in the middle of her bedroom. It looks like a bomb went off in her room. She’s surrounded by boxes of pictures, scrapbooks, old clothes and a bunch of other miscellaneous items.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Eleanor smiles at him.

“Uh it’s Wednesday, we’ve got a shipment coming in.” he reminds her.

“Oh no, Max I’ve completely forgot.” Eleanor slaps her hand to her forehead.

“Well I see that, what exactly are you doing?” he wonders, he zigzags through empty spaces on the floor to get to hed and belly flops on top of it, he reaches out and randomly picks up a picture.

It’s of Eleanor and Louis on a beach somewhere, Max can tell it’s an ocean behind her in the picture and in it she’s licking Louis’ face and he’s sticking out his own tongue.

“Attractive.” Max comments putting the picture down. He can see now that all of the pictures are a mix of either Louis, Eleanor and Louis, or her with him and his family. There’s everything between vacation pictures, tour pictures, or pictures of them that were taken privately in home. Max notices a few jerseys with Tomlinson printed on the back of them, there’s a jean jacket, some beanies, and a few ragged looking t-shirts. He can guess that the random items were gifts.

“What are you doing love?” the way he asks it now is more gentle.

The thing is, Eleanor doesn’t know what she’s doing. She’s not sure what her intention was when she dug into the closet to pull out these boxes. She’d packed it all away when she and Louis broke up and she hadn’t thought about it again until this morning. She’d thought about calling Louis, she hasn’t seen him in a few days and only a few texts have been exchanged between them in that time. When she thought about asking him to come over she’d found herself in the downstairs closet instead. Now she’s sitting in the middle of four years worth of memories. Getting lost in this made her forget that she had a work date with Max today.

“We kissed the night of his mum’s funeral.” Eleanor informs him. She picks at random another picture of her Louis, he’s giving her a piggy back ride in an empty arena, she turns it around to place the date.

_First day of TMHT - O2_

Eleanor smiles, remember how exciting that show was for them, everyone’s friends and family were there.

“Random hook ups are the only good things about funerals. No shame in that.” Max says. “Still doesn’t explain why you’re stumbling down memory lane.”

“It wasn’t a hook up.” Eleanor rolls her eyes. “And even if it had been, it wasn’t random. It was pretty calculated.”

“As in planned?” Max is surprised. “You mean you let him?”

“I kissed him first.” she says.

“Wait doesn’t he have a girlfriend?” Max’s voice is getting higher by the second.

“Yeah I suppose there’s shame in that.” Eleanor picks up a jewelry box and flips it open. Inside is a diamond heart necklace Louis had given her for Jay’s wedding.

“Scandalous miss Calder.” Max teases. “Are you going to steal him back?”

“I’m not trying to steal him.” Eleanor sets the necklace down. She pushes herself back so she’s leaning against the footboard and looks up at Max. “There’s something happening, and I don’t know what to do about it. We kissed, and we’ve slept in the same bed, and we may or may not have admitted feelings for each other, but I can’t tell if it’s real.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think he might just be really upset about his mum and it’s easy for him, for us, to comfort each other. Because we have history, and we’re the only ones who understand how the other is feeling.”

“You think he’s using you?”

“I think we might be using each other.” Eleanor admits. “I can’t differentiate between real affection or empathy.”

Eleanor rubs her temples.

“Well you know how you fix that don’t you?” Max says.

“With wine?” Eleanor hopes.

“Well, wine would be a plus.” Max nods. “But, maybe some distance will help figure out what it is you’re feeling.”

“I haven’t seen him in a few days.” Eleanor frowns.

“So how is that going?” Max wonders.

“It’s weird. I spent a week glued to his hip for the better part of the day and now he’s just not here. I know he’s with his son but I Kinda wish he was around. That they were both around.”

Eleanor hasn’t said that out loud before, but now that she has, it sort of clears the fog in her head.

“Well I think we have answer on your end.” Max rolls off the bed and sits next to Eleanor. “You’re my best friend Calder, and while I see you’re remembering four years worth of great times, you can’t forget that there were some pretty rough times too. You’ve gone through hell. But if you’re thinking about maybe giving it another go, and that’s truly what you want, I will support you.”

“Well thanks for your blessing, but um, it’s all kind of a moot point when he’s got a girlfriend.” Eleanor reminds him, it’s also a reminder to herself.

“Sweetie, if you truly want him back, that girl won’t stand a chance.” Max scoffs.

“Stop it.” Eleanor slaps his shoulder.

“I’m just saying.” Max shrugs. “Well if we’re not going to burn this lets get it put away so we can make another mess.”

“Let’s just work downstairs.” Eleanor suggests. “We still need wine anyway.”

*

_Christmas Eve_

Louis’ woken up with hugs and shouts of happy birthday and silly string sprayed all over his bed. It’s definitely not the worst of birthday wake up calls. Somewhere in the mess Freddie had been plopped at his side and though he doesn’t understand what the excitement is for he’s giggling too and grabbing the silly string stuck all over the bed.

“No don’t eat it son.” Louis says when Freddie moves a handful to his mouth.

“Oi Dais enough of the string.” Lottie orders her, she magically produces a pacifier and offers it to Freddie who takes it but grabs up another handful of string.

“Well happy birthday.” Fizzy says from the foot of the bed. “You’re old and a dad and Dan’s making breakfast.

“You sure know how to make someone’s day.” Louis grumbles at her sitting up in bed. “You lot should clear out though before I get up. I’m naked under here.”

There’s a loud chorus of ews and they all scramble to leave, each baby getting snatched up by an older girl.

“Disgusting” Phoebe says as she’s the last one out and closes the door behind her.

He’s not really naked, he does have trackies on, it was just the most effective way for them to leave him so he could have a moment.

He usually doesn’t mind his birthday, despite his complaints about getting old, he actually enjoys it. He should be happy about this; it’s his first birthday and Christmas with his son. It’s bittersweet for the simple fact it’s the first birthday and Christmas without his mum. He’s not quite ready to face that yet.

Louis stares up at the ceiling while thinking about his busy day. Birthday celebrations and they’re doing Christmas with Freddie tonight because he’s got to be a plane tonight to take him back to L.A so Briana can have him for the actual day. And then he’s hopping right back on a plane again to come back here for new years. He feels tired just thinking about it. He’s hoping somehow today he can see Eleanor. He’s had small talk with her lately but he hasn’t been able to see her, he knows she’s done a few appearance and work things and he’s had Freddie and has been helping Dan as much he can.

Louis’ reaches for his phone with the intent to send her a text when there’s a knock on his door.

“Come in.” he calls. He sits up on the side of the bed with his phone in hand and he looks at the door to see that Dan has come in. He’s got blue gift bag in hand a smile on his face.

“Happiest of birthdays.” Dan greets him.

“I see Daisy’s got you with silly string too.” Louis points at Dan’s head where there’s silly string remnants stuck to his forehead.

“Yeah I’ve got no idea where she gets that from.” Dan fixes him with a look.

Louis holds his hands in defense.

“Breakfast is about done.” Dan tells him. “I just wanted to come up and give you this, thought you should get to open it without an audience.”

Dan holds out the gift bag to him.

“Dan you didn’t have to get me anything man.” Louis shakes his head but takes the gift bag.

“This isn’t from me.” Dan says, and now his smile turns sad. “It’s from your mum.”

Now that it’s in his hands Louis recognizes the writing on the envelope that’s sticking out of the top of the bag. That reoccurring brick in his stomach is back again.

“You’re supposed to read the letter first.” Dan tells him, and then he leaves the room.

Louis stares at the bag for a long time, and then he laughs to himself because it’s very like his mum. To have thought this far ahead to have bought him a birthday present in advance. Louis takes a deep breath and opens the envelope, there’s only one page inside but he knows it’s his mum’s writing there too.

_Happy birthday my oldest boy!_

_Hi there poppet, a part of me wishes you won’t ever have to read this, but Mum was prepared just in case. Let me start off by saying how much I love you, and how proud I am of you. For all that you’ve done, and all that I know you’re going to do. Everyday that’s gone by I know I’ve been the luckiest woman in the world to be your mum. You’ve been such a strong man through this situation sweetheart I want you to know that it’s okay for you to be sad. I know if I’m not there you’re going to be trying to take care of your sisters and your brother all on your own but remember that you’re not going to be alone. Don’t shut people out. They love you. You all need each other. And also remember you still have a life to live and Mum wants you to live it. I know I raised a good boy and I know for a fact that you’re going to do the same. I am so glad I got to meet your son. The greatest thing about being your mum was watching you become a dad. I love you with all my heart Louis; I’ve had the best 25 years spent with you. I want you to have a happier 25 more. Do what makes you happy, whatever that may be. If I learned one thing these past few months it’s to make sure you never have regrets. Mum’s happy to say that she has absolutely none. Enjoy your birthday baby, if not for yourself, then at least for me. Happy birthday son._

_Love, your Mummy._

_P.S_

_Eleanor helped me put together your gift, make sure you thank her._

Louis’ hands are shaking, as he reaches into the gift bag, he pushes aside tissue paper until he finds whatever is inside

It’s a two sided picture frame that opens like a book. On the left side is a black and white picture of his mum in a hospital bed cradling a baby that he knows to be himself, the very first picture of them ever. On the right side is another black and white picture but this one is of himself and Freddie the very first time Louis held him. Louis didn’t even know anyone had even taken a picture of that moment.

He can’t breathe.

Louis sees that there’s an inscription at the bottom of the frame.

**_Johannah ~ Louis ~ Freddie_ **

Louis snatches up his car keys by the side table and that’s all that he cares to grab. He flies out of the house with the picture frame and letter still in his hands.

*

Eleanor’s only mildly surprised to see Louis sitting on her bed when she comes out of the shower. She’s more confused about why he’s only wearing pajama pants.

“Good morning?” she asks.

Louis looks up at her and she immediately knows that it’s not a good morning. His eyes are red and the longer she looks at him she can see that he’s shaking. She rushes over to him.

“What is it?” she slides her hands over his shoulders, she’s learned quickly that when he gets like this her touch is the quickest and most effective way to calm him down.

“My mum got me a present.” Louis bites his lip and clears his throat. “And she wrote me a letter.”

“Oh Lou.” Eleanor squeezes his arms.

“I wasn’t really happy with the last time we talked.” Louis says. “Nothing was bad, it’s just had I known it was going to be the last time it would have been different.”

“Understandable.” she nods.

“Leave it to my mum to get her last word in, as always.” Louis sniffs; he reaches next to him and picks up the picture frame to hand it to her. “She said you had something to do with this.”

She does remember helping Jay pick this picture frame and going to get it inscribed for her. Jay had never told her what it was for.

“Yeah but I had no idea she meant it for you. I thought it was for her.” Eleanor runs her finger over Jay’s name. “We did this back in October.”

“October.” Louis huffs.

“Your mum was always a good planner.”

“That’s the problem isn’t it?” Louis scoffs, he hands Eleanor the letter. “She planned shit, knowing she was going to die anyway, and she made sure I was going to get one last thing from her. I don‘t think that‘s fair. Every time I think I start to be okay something else happens.”

“No one expects you to get over this quickly.” Eleanor tells him. “Or ever, to be honest, you mum died Lou; you are absolutely allowed to be sad over that.”

Louis hums as he gets up, taking the picture with him, he goes over to Eleanor’s vanity and sets it down, but he notices something else on the desk and he picks that up instead. It’s a picture from his mum’s wedding day of the entire family, most of them aren‘t even looking at each other, they’re all looking at each other in what he assumes is an attempt for them all to get each other to pay attention. Louis’ eyes are drawn to the middle of the picture, to his mum and Eleanor who are the only two that are looking at the camera. Louis figures that’s a good representation, the entire family a mess except for the two women who managed to keep them all in line.

“She loved you.” Louis tells her, he glances at her through the mirror and sees that she’s finished reading that letter, she’s wiping at her eyes. “She always counted you as one of hers. Whatever had happened with us, you were still her favorite.” he continues.

“Yeah she was my second mum.” Eleanor sniffs.

Louis turns away from both pictures and turns to her, truly taking her in this time. He didn’t realize until just now that he had interrupted her shower, she’s still stood there in her robe with wet hair.

Louis walks back over to her and she opens her arms to him, he pulls her close.

“Bringing you home was the best decision I ever made.”

Louis kisses her deeply but softly and Eleanor doesn’t seem surprised by it which makes Louis wonder if she had been expecting it. He pulls back and nuzzles her face.

“Sorry.” he apologizes, only feeling bad because he didn’t ask first.

Eleanor shakes her head and turns them around, pushing him back enough so he sits on the bed, she steps between his legs and cups his head leaning down to kiss him again. This time around it’s Eleanor who gets first taste by coaxing Louis to open his mouth to her, Louis is quick to give her what she wants, and his only other reaction is to tangle his hands in her hair. He wants to let her control this, let her take what she wants from him, he’s happy with whatever she’s willing.

Eleanor crowds his space more, forces him to lean back and when he does she’s quick to straddle his lap, Louis still doesn’t touch her, and that drives her to get more handsy with him, fingers trailing over his bare chest. Eleanor kisses him like she’s chasing after something and he’s keeping it from her on purpose, Louis wonders briefly for a moment if it’s possible that his mouth can bruise.

He’s surprised when she pulls away, she sits up so quick that she almost falls off of him but Louis catches her by her waist.

“Shit.” Louis breathes.

Eleanor giggles, a light and flirty giggle that Louis has heard before, one that makes the hair on the back of his neck stand up. He strokes his hands up and down Eleanor’s legs, watches as she tugs on the tie holding her robe together. His heart takes off into a sprint and although he keeps his eyes on hers, he’s got a peripheral of her opening her robe and shrugging it down and off her shoulders.

Louis’ hands pause in the stride on her thighs.

“Are you sure?” it comes out so quiet that Louis’ not sure she’s heard him, but she smiles then nods and lowers herself to him, so they’re pressed chest to chest. She gives him a short kiss on each side of his mouth before pressing a long one right on the center.

Louis slides his hands the rest of the way up her thighs to her waist, he gets a grip on her and in one swift turn he’s got the both of them turned around, Eleanor now under him, he hooks his hands up under her arms and slides her further up the bed.

She’s completely bare under him, her damp hair sticking slightly to her shoulders. She’s just as he remembers her, soft skin, subtle curves and dips of her body on display for him. Louis flattens himself on the bed between her legs, drags his hand down from her shoulder to her abdomen, he splays his fingers out and places a kiss over her belly button nuzzling against her. Eleanor pulls her knees up as Louis shimmies himself even lower between her thighs, when his mouth finally meets her she lets out a breathy moan and grabs a fistful of his hair.

~

Eleanor’s always loved watching Louis sleep. She remembers in the middle of tours the only time Louis was every truly peaceful was when he was asleep. Eleanor’s sat in her makeup chair with her legs propped up on the bed, she’s gone and flat ironed her hair, done her make up, but she’s back in her robe not wanting to leave him long enough to get dressed. Louis’ asleep on his stomach, arms tucked under his head, he’d kicked off the sheet Eleanor had draped over him when she got up so he’s currently baring all. Eleanor’s not ashamed that her eyes have cast over his butt once or twice.

The silence is broken by Eleanor’s phone ringing; she jumps up quickly to grab it from the side table and answers it in a whisper.

“Eleanor?” it’s Lottie. “ Why are you whispering? Are you alright?”

“Yeah I’m fine.” Eleanor sits back down in the chair, she frowns seeing Louis stir.

“Was just calling to see if you’ve seen or heard from Louis? He’s been gone all morning, didn’t say where he was going or that he was even leaving, and he’s left his phone. We’re probably about an hour away from worrying.” Lottie says.

“Don’t worry Lots, he’s here.” Eleanor tells her.

“Oh, well, I’m not really surprised just wanted to be sure that he-” Lottie trails off her sentence and then starts again. “Hang on, why you still whispering?”

“He’s sleeping.” Eleanor says.

Lottie goes for a long minute that makes Eleanor shift in her seat.

“Did you and my brother fuck?!”

“Lottie!” Eleanor scolds and she doesn’t bother keeping her voice quiet. “Keep your voice down!”

“Oh don’t worry I’m outside, no one’s around. But that was not a denial, was it not just a fuck then, did you two make love?”

“I’m not talking to you about this.” Eleanor says in a rush.

Louis is awake now, and she watches him lift his head and up look around in confusion for a few moments.

“Oh you aren’t right now but you will later. I know it.” Lottie sounds smug. “I’ll let you get back to seducing my brother.”

Lottie hangs up without another word, leaving Eleanor slightly aghast.

“What’s happened?” Louis asks, voice hoarse with sleep.

“Your sister was just looking for you.” Eleanor tells him.

“Oh.” Louis groans. “I might have a left in a hurry.”

“She mentioned that.” Eleanor turns her phone around in her hands and falls quiet.

“What you doing way over there?”

Eleanor shrugs.

“Come here then.” Louis turns over on to his back and pulls the sheet up over his waist.

Eleanor leaves her phone on the chair and goes over to him.

Louis takes one of her hands and smiles at her but his eyes are a little cautious.

“You having second thoughts?” he asks quietly.

Eleanor shakes her head and plays with his fingers. She’s not having second thoughts, no; she was sure the second she made the decision. Eleanor just wonders if it meant the same to him as it did to her.

“Spit it out love.” Louis urges.

“I don’t regret what just happened.” Eleanor slides her hand up his arm and the over his chest, she settles over his heart.

“Good to know.” Louis nods.

“We made love didn’t we?” Eleanor sighs. “Not to be that gross sappy girl but we felt the same thing right?”

“I did make love to you.” Louis nods. “Twice.”

“You love me?” Eleanor presses her fingers into Louis’ chest.

“I never stopped.” he admits.

Those words make Eleanor’s heart stutter but she regains herself quickly.

“You have to leave tomorrow.” she reminds him.

“I’ll be back.” Louis promises. “In a couple days I’ll be back.”

“Then what?”

Because she can’t help but go through all the what if it’s and then what’s because she doesn’t want to have a repeat of before. She won’t be able to take it.

“It’ll be different this time Els.” Louis sits up and leans forward. “I promise, whatever you want, I’ll do it.”

“It’s not going to be that easy.” she presses her forehead to his. “I want you and I’m afraid of that.”

“It’ll be better.” Louis cups her face.

Eleanor wraps her arms under Louis’ shoulders and holds on tight to him.

“Maybe we need to think about it.”

“I don’t need to think about it.” Louis shakes his head.

“I do.”

Eleanor feels like she’s just been in a ping pong rally with the way they’ve just gone back and forth. Louis pulls back surprised at first, followed by a look of dejection.

“I’m sorry.” Eleanor whispers.

“No, it’s alright.” he kisses her forehead.

“I’m driving myself nuts with this back and forth, I can’t imagine how it’s making you feel.” she drops her forehead to his shoulder. “I just want to make sure I’m doing the right thing.”

“We both know how long you’ve waited on me. I want you to be sure of this too.” Louis presses a kiss to her cheek. “You take whatever time you need and I’ll be here no matter what you decide.”

“I honestly don’t regret what we just shared right now.” Eleanor tells him again. “Believe me on that.”

“I would never doubt you.” Louis tilts her chin up and kisses her lips.

Eleanor only lets him kiss her for a few moments before she’s pushing him back, she doesn’t want to get carried away. She’s due on a train to her mother’s house at three.

Louis takes a quick a shower and is in back in his pajamas pants, all the while Eleanor has finally gotten dressed. After a search for his keys and finding them under the bed Eleanor is quiet when she walks with him downstairs. She’s got half a mind to ask him to stay, or to go with him, but she knows it’s for the best that they get an ocean between them for a bit.

Louis pauses at the open door and turns to Eleanor.

“We love each other, that’s acknowledged right?” he questions.

“I think we acknowledged that twice.” Eleanor blushes.

Louis smiles.

“You’re going to try for a third time aren’t ya?”

“Go home.” Eleanor giggles pushing his shoulder.

Louis kisses her one more time and hopes that it won’t be the last time he gets to do it.

“You are my home.”

~

The good thing about Eleanor’s and Sophia’s friendship is that they can go weeks without seeing each other or talking to each other but whenever one of them shows up on the other’s doorstep it’s like no time has passed at all. So when Eleanor sends Sophia a text asking for a hang out, it takes Sophia just over an hour to show up at Eleanor’s house with an overnight bag and three bottles of wine. It takes them less than an hour to pop a bottle open and plop into Eleanor’s bed in pajamas with Netflix and Sophia’s laptop open. It only takes a half bottle of wine before Eleanor spills out everything to Sophia.

Sophia listens intently to all of it and doesn’t say anything until Eleanor’s finished.

“Well.” Sophia says when Eleanor lays back against her pillow and throws her hands over her head. “I don’t know what you’re stressed about. Seems like your mind is made up.”

Eleanor rubs her forehead. “It doesn’t seem concerning to you that I jumped so quickly back into this with him?”

“I think it’s only concerning love if you don’t seem sure about it. And it doesn’t look like that to me. I think you love him, and if you want to be with him again and think it’s worth another try, then give it another try.

“Would you give it another try with Liam?” Eleanor asks.

“Oh god no.” Sophia snorts, shaking her head. “But what was going between Liam and I is nothing compared to what you and Louis had, or have, I should say. I loved Liam, but, the love you and Louis have got for each other just seems unreachable by anyone else.”

“I feel shitty though. He’s with someone else Soph.” Eleanor picks at her thumb nail. “How are we going to start a relationship knowing that he cheated .”

Sophia laughs, actually laughs, and when Eleanor looks slightly alarmed at her she sobers up.

“Oh sweets. They broke up. You didn’t know that?” Sophia says.

Eleanor doesn’t have a response, because no, she didn’t know that, she’s been trying to keep radio silence where the media is concerned. Sophia starts to type away quickly on her keyboard and after a few moments Sophia turns the laptop towards her. It’s a basic picture of Louis and Danielle with a split effect down the middle and the a full article underneath that Eleanor doesn’t really want to read. Sophia seems to get this notion because she turns it back to herself and then gives Eleanor a summary of it.

“She left immediately after the funeral, pictures of her at L.A.X were from the day after, yadda yadda bunch of bullshit no one cares bout, Louis and Danielle haven’t spoken since the day she left, yadda yadda, Louis’ rep confirms.”

That makes Eleanor snap out of if and she immediately reaches for her phone not caring to remember what time it is when she sends a text to Louis.

_Were you still with her when we kissed?_

Louis response comes quicker than she anticipated and the sound of her phone going off makes her jump.

**_We’d broken up that morning_ **

_Why didn’t you tell me?_

**_It wasn’t important. Didn’t change how I was feeling about you. Didn’t want it change how you felt about me._ **

Eleanor sets her phone down and looks up at Sophia to find her friend is watching her.

 “You’re a grown woman El, if you want to be with him, then be with him. Don’t let anyone else, or anything affect your decision.” Sophia says. “And if you need to think about it for another few days, or weeks, or months, then that’s your right too.”

“It just makes nervous.” Eleanor confesses. “He makes me nervous.”

“I think it would be a bad sign if you weren’t having all these feelings about it.” Sophia shrugs. “Do you want my honest opinion?”

“I think you’re going to give it whether or not I want it.” Eleanor smirks.

“You’re absolutely right.” Sophia snaps her fingers. “But you wouldn’t have called me over otherwise.”

“Go on then.” Eleanor nods.

Sophia rolls over on to her stomach and tucks a pillow under her chin, she eyes Eleanor seriously.

“I think if you let this second chance with him pass, you’re going to regret it.”

“And if we try and fail?” Eleanor asks her.

“Then we pick you back up again.” 

**_ New Year’s Eve _ **

“Can you at least pretend you’re having a little bit of fun?” Alana flops down in the booth next to Eleanor and flings her arm around Eleanor’s shoulder. “What’s wrong with you?”

“She’s thinking about Louis.” Max says.

“Max.” Eleanor sighs. “Eat a dick.”

“Oh ouch.” Max grabs his chest like he’s been hit.

“He’s full of shit isn’t he?” Alana laughs looking at Eleanor. “You haven’t been talking to Louis have you?”

“She’s been sleeping with Louis.” Max informs her.

Alana chokes over the sip of champagne she’s just taken and spits it back into her cup.

“What?”

Eleanor wonders how this New Year’s Eve dinner turned into an interrogation by her two best friends. She takes a long drink of her wine instead of answering.

“Eleanor you’ve been sleeping with Louis?” Alana asks, but it’s a bit softer this time.

“In the quite literal sense of the word.” Max grabs the champagne bottle and fills up both his and Alana’s glasses. “Spill it Eleanor, tell Lan how you’ve been feeling.”

Eleanor sighs and holds her glass out for Max to fill hers as well, she takes another long drink

“Louis and I have been reconnecting.” Eleanor says. “We’ve slept next each other, and we were, together, on his birthday.”

This time it’s Max who chokes.

“Whoa what? You two hooked up?” Max raises his eyebrows at her.

“It wasn’t that crass.” she says.

“Oh god if you tell me you two made love I might actually puke all over this table.” Max fakes a gag.

“Me too.” Alana raises her hand.

“You know, I actually hate both of you.” Eleanor nods.

“Oh we’re just teasing.” Alana squeezes her hand. “Tell me what’s really going on.”

“I want to be with him. I love him.” Eleanor says, and she realizes that it’s the first time she’s actually said it out loud to someone else. And that somehow makes it that much more real to her. The confession makes Alana and Max go quiet and they share a look over Eleanor’s head. Alana sets her glass on the table and turns to face Eleanor completely.

“Honey, have you really thought this through? You’re a different person now than you were when you first broke up.”

“I know that.” Eleanor says quietly.

“We just don’t want to see you put your life on hold to cater to his. You’ve done that for so long, and you have so much going for you now.” Alana says.

“He’s not the same person either.” Eleanor feels the need to defend Louis.

“No he’s not.” Max agrees. “He’s a dad now.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that!” Eleanor snaps, she‘s completely in her protective mode.

“That’s not what he meant.” Alana takes Eleanor’s hand. “He just means that being with Louis is going to be different, it’s not just you and him, there’s a baby involved and that baby‘s mother. You’re talking about potentially being a step mum. You‘re not sharing him with a world tour this time.”

“You two are acting like this is a rash decision I’ve made or something. I’ve thought about all of this. To the point that it’s kept me up at night. I know how you two feel about him and I wouldn’t have even started to discuss it with either of you if I hadn’t thought of everything you’re telling me. I know what being with him means. The fact that you two are treating me like I’m stupid is offensive. So I think I’ll leave before something is said that we’re all going to regret.” Eleanor grabs her jacket and her purse from behind her and she turns to Max. “Let me out.”

Max doesn’t argue with her, he slides out of their booth and so she can get out and she leaves the restaurant without sparing them another look. 

She knows it’s childish of her to leave like this, but she’s not going to sit there and be attacked by her friends for how she’s feeling. Everything they’ve voiced she’s already thought over. She knows that Louis’ son is going to keep him in L.A and that he’s still dabbling in his music project, she doesn’t expect to him drop it all. But she knows she can manage that better than when he was moving all over the world. They have a chance to try and again and Eleanor knows she would regret it if she didn’t take it. She knew her friends probably wouldn’t have encouraged her, she knows how rough it was before;  but she didn’t expect them to be so against it.

Eleanor pulls her phone from her clutch and opens the text thread she’s got with Louis. His last text only sent an hour before, hoping that he would get to see her tonight. She had replied that it was a possibility; she had planned to spend the night with Alana and Max, but now Louis is the only person she wants to be with.

*

Louis watches as Liam adds more wood into the pit.

“Oh nice going Payno.” Louis scoffs as the fire dies.

“Aye give it a minute.” Liam holds his hand in a gesture to wait.

They’re cast in darkness, just a few embers glowing, Louis’ got a smart remark on the tip of his tongue and he’s about to let it out when all of a sudden the flame bursts up brighter than before.

“Boy scout.” Liam pounds his own chest.

“Boy scout can eat shit.” Louis throws a punch to Liam’s ribs that he easily dodges.

“This is oddly familiar isn’t it?” Liam says. “In the middle of some woods, having a fire, I think we just need a couple of tents.

“Camping out once in my life was enough for me, thanks.” Louis shakes his head. “And the backyard is not in the middle of the woods, that’s your house.”

He settles down into his chair and searches for his phone that he had left behind when he and Liam went to grab more wood. He smiles seeing that he‘s got a text from Eleanor.

“What’s eating your face?” Liam asks.

“Eleanor.” Louis answers.

“Eleanor’s eating your face, why do I get the feeling you mean that quite literally.” Liam jabs at the fire with a steel poker.

“I think I might be getting her back Payno.” Louis drops his phone in his lap and pulls the hood up on his sweater.

“Alright well clearly I’ve missed something.” Liam sits back in his chair. “Let’s hear it.”

“Well you know I’ve wanted her back since the day she left Australia.” Louis says.

“Yeah.” Liam snorts. “But I also know she wasn’t giving you the time of day for that entire fucking year.”

“Shit happens.” Louis tilts his head back and lets the breeze hit his face.

They’re quiet for a while, just letting the crackle of the fire fill the air between them. He can hear his sisters around the front of the house setting off their fireworks.

“Was it your mum?” Liam asks after a bit.

“She took care of her, Payno. She sat there at her side when I couldn’t. I don’t think she would have ever talked to me again if it wasn’t for that.”

“That’s good and everything Tommo, that’s important shit but like, is that enough for you to think you can have another run?” Liam wonders. “She was real upset about B and the baby, you think she’s going to forget that?”

“No she won’t ever forget it Payno.” Louis picks his phone up again and opens his picture gallery, he pulls up the picture he had taken of Eleanor and Freddie and shows it to Liam. “Forgiven me yeah, but she won’t ever forget it.”

“And what about Danielle?”

“She definitely hates me.” Louis stuffs his hands in his pockets. “But that’s fine. Eleanor’s the only girl who matters to me.”

“Sounds like you’ve got a bit tunnel vision mate.” Liam says. “She the light at the end of it or something?”

“Ay Payno you trying to write a song about my troubles?”

“Would be a good song probably.” Liam nods; he’s pulled a beer from their cooler and tilts it in Louis’ direction as a sort of toast. “You really get into some shit.”

“Life would be boring if I didn’t. Let’s break out those marshmallows huh, kind of want to light something on fire.”

The smell of melted chocolate seems to summon the kids from the front and soon enough they’re all sat around being loud and fighting over non burned marshmallows and the toddlers are covered in chocolate.

“Something to look forward to Liam.” Lottie teases him as she wipes Doris down with a baby wipe.

“They’re never clean.” Louis adds as he wipes down Ernie at the same time the two year old is still trying to eat his chocolate.

“Tommo I think your night got a little more interesting than chocolate covered toddlers.”

Louis looks up to see Liam gazing over his shoulder; he turns and finds Eleanor coming through the side gate.  Lottie plucks Ernie from Louis’ lap but before he can get up and over to her the rest of his sisters converge on her. He’s patient though, waits until she’s given his sisters their hugs and hellos, watches with a smile the entire time. He loves how much his sisters love her and how like for him, that love never went away. She looks beautiful tonight; Louis knows that she had gone out with her friends tonight so she’s all made up in a long sleeve black dress, her hair loose and wavy.

Daisy is the last to detach herself from Eleanor and once they’ve all sat down Louis steps towards her. Only he doesn’t go far because Eleanor flings herself at him, he’s surprised but it’s a reflex reaction to catch her and before he can even blink Eleanor is kissing him.

Louis settles his hands on her waist and kisses her back.

He’s vaguely aware of the hush that falls over their circle but it only lasts a minute before they break out into cheers and catcalls and Liam whistles.

“It’s about fucking time!” Lottie shouts.

“Language in front of the littles!” Fizzy scolds her.

When Eleanor pulls away she’s smiling, blush spreading across her cheeks.

“Midnight’s not for another twenty minutes, try to hold it in.” Lottie tells them. “Like horny teenagers.”

“Speaking of midnight, we should probably get those big fireworks set up huh.” Liam reminds them.

“I think Louis and Eleanor have their own fireworks.” Fizzy comments. “Let’s go babies.”

Louis waits until they’ve gathered everything up and start making their way up to the front, Liam’s the last out of the gate and he gives Louis a discreet thumbs up before he closes it behind him.

“Well hi.” Louis grins rubbing Eleanor’s back.

“I couldn’t help it.” she laces her fingers behind Louis’ neck.

“Don’t think I have a complaint if I’m honest.” Louis shrugs.

Eleanor giggles and kisses him again.

“I don’t want to assume anything but could this possibly be your answer?” Louis’ can’t keep the eagerness from his voice.

“If I remember correctly.” Eleanor strokes her thumb at Louis’ hairline. “I don’t think I was ever asked a question?”

Louis’ heart swells like it’s a balloon being blown up, he hopes it’s not about to be popped.

“Do you want me to write you a little note; can have Dory deliver it to ya? Check the yes or no box.” Louis’ hands have made their way up to her shoulders and up to each side of her neck.

“Would be a laugh.” Eleanor shrugs.

Louis does laugh, he feels almost giddy as he pushes his hands in Eleanor’s hair and kisses her lips.

“You’re the love of my life.” Louis breathes pressing his forehead to hers. “Can I be yours?”

She lets out a noise that falls somewhere between a whimper and squeal but she nods and kisses Louis with every ounce of her strength.

*

Eleanor wakes up to Louis’ lips on her shoulders, one of his hands splayed across her stomach and the other one rubbing at her hip. Eleanor doesn’t move or make a sound to let him know she’s awake. She’s got no sense of time, but she knows it’s either really late or really early because she can see through the thin gaps of the curtains that it’s still dark outside. Her eyes are slow to adjust in the darkness, but she doesn’t really need to see him, she can feel him just fine, she feels him pressed right up behind her.

She’s still feeling the aftermath from their go earlier, her thighs are aching, and she can feel the bruise Louis had sucked into her neck, the very one he seems to be kissing on now. Her body seems to be more awake than her head is though because without thinking about it she presses herself into him.

Louis sighs and the fingers on her hip dig into her, his kisses turn more into nips at her skin. Eleanor reaches her arm behind her and finds a handful of Louis’ hair, she twists her upper body towards him and Louis’ lips are on hers immediately.  She can’t see him and that heightens her other senses; she’s hyperaware now of his hands on her, his front glued to her back and he still tastes like the wine they were drinking at midnight.

Eleanor’s hand starts to wander downwards, nails lightly scraping against his chest, but she knows what she’s looking for and she smiles against his lips when she finds it what she wants. He’s fully hard, already leaking at his tip and Eleanor wonders for a nanosecond how long he’s been awake if she’s already this attentive. Louis sucks in a breath ad the knee jerk reaction has him thrusting into her hand. Eleanor giggles, thumbs at the head of Louis’ cock and peppers kisses on his jaw.

Louis slips a leg between Eleanor’s slightly lifts his up so that she opens up a bit for him; he slides his hand around to her front, circles around her belly button before dipping down lower. Her hand tightens around his cock as his fingers tease lightly at her. Eleanor hikes her legs higher over his, opening herself further, Louis takes it as permission to go ahead.

Eleanor moans against his mouth as two of his fingers slip inside of her, she’s wet already but still loose from earlier, their lips find each other once again and Louis licks right into her mouth. They take cues from each other, every stroke Louis’ makes inside of her is a twist of Eleanor’s wrist at his cock, each time she swipes her thumb over his head is a flick of his thumb to her clit. Louis’ left hand that has been tucked under a pillow has now found its way to her breasts.

“Lou.” Eleanor pants against his mouth. His fingers are relentless inside of her, stroking at her walls but avoiding her most sensitive spot. Every time he gets close he pulls back and thumbs at her clit before resuming the deep caresses. Eleanor abandons his cock and places her hand over his with intent to make him touch her where she wants.

“Impatient.” Louis whispers.

It’s the first time he’s spoken and his voice is rough with both leftover sleep and present lust and it hits straight to her core.

Louis gives in then, finally hooks his fingers up and presses against her spot, no longer trying to tease her as he rubs circles onto her clit and tugs on her nipples. Eleanor’s gone fuzzy, she think can’t think straight, she’s surrounded by Louis from all sides; she can feel him behind her, in front of her, inside of her. It’s a kiss to the back of her neck that finally pushes her over, turning into Louis’ arm and crying out as she comes.

“Best sound in the world.” Louis breathes into her ear.

With his fingers covered in Eleanor’s orgasm he wraps them around his own cock and starts stroking himself, his other hand still cupped around her breast. It takes a few moments for Eleanor to regain her breath, her body buzzing, and her head clouded, she’s only half aware of Louis rubbing one off behind her. She feels like lead but she manages to turn herself around in Louis’ arms to face him, she reaches down and pulls Louis’ hand away from himself, takes him in her hand instead, she throws her leg back over his hip and guides Louis’ cock to her entrance.

Louis grips her waist and draws her closer; the move makes just the head of his cock push inside of her. There’s a hiccup in Eleanor’s breath, she grabs a handful of his butt and squeezes.

“Handsy.” Louis chuckles running his hand down the length of her back.

Eleanor tilts her head up towards him and Louis meets her lips at the same time he pushes fully inside of her.  Eleanor winds both of her arms around Louis’ neck and holds him as close as he can get while they kiss, even when Louis starts to move his hips against her she follows his movements so he never gets the chance to pull out of her.

Neither of them are in a rush, Louis’ thrusts are lazy but deep much in the same manner that they kiss, they’re holding each other so close that Louis’ pelvis is teasing at her clit with each movement . Louis’ hands are a constant presence on her body, touching every part of her that he can reach that isn’t pressed up against him.

It’s nothing short of love, every touch on her skin and thrust of his cock up into her, she feels him at the back of her throat with how deeply he’s kissing her. She’s feels like she’s drowning in him, she’s getting accustomed to the drunken feeling he gives her every time they kiss.

Eleanor comes up for air, taking in deep breaths, but that doesn’t stop Louis, he brushes her hair back and makes a bee line for her throat. Eleanor pulls at his hair, but presses her heel into his side, she wants him closer, she’s disappointed when she finds that he’s already as deep as he can get. She quickly resolves that to a positive because she doesn’t want to finish just yet, she wants him like this as long as possible.

“Not going anywhere.” Louis he promises

Eleanor realizes she might have said that out loud.

“I love you.” she whimpers into his ear.

“Love you more.” Louis dives back into her mouth.

Louis keeps his promise, when he gets close to his orgasm, he stills his movements, but never stops kissing or touching her. Every so often Eleanor shifts her hips so that he’s not touching her clit and Louis takes that as meaning she’s too close and repeats the process over again.

It’s so much different than Louis touching her with her his fingers, he had the intention of pulling an orgasm from her. This time there’s no purpose other than wanting to feel her and be close to her, he’s able to draw it out as long as she wants. He’s able to read her body, and when she rolls her onto her back, pulling him on top of her, Louis knows she’s ready. It’s just mere minutes with the new angle, since Louis is able to push deeper, and he gets a hand between them to play with her clit. Eleanor’s walls constrict around him and she comes, he’s only seconds behind her.

“Beautiful girl.” Louis tugs on her lip with his teeth.

Eleanor locks her legs around his thighs and pulls, she doesn’t want him to let go. Louis’ chuckles and rolls to his right, bringing her with him. Louis’ shimmies the bed sheet up with a foot close enough that he can grab it and pull it up over their waist. Eleanor ducks her head under his chin and kisses his throat before she gets settled.

They hold each other as they calm down and catch their breath, Eleanor’s slightly shaking as she unwinds.

“Back to sleep darling.” he tells her.

Eleanor takes a deep breath, holds it, and then lets it out slowly, relaxing her body into his.

“Never going to let you go again.” Louis promises her.

She lets out a small hum of approval placing another kiss on his neck. Louis strokes her hair until they’re both fast asleep.

~

**_ June 2121 _ **

“Ellie?”

Eleanor’s been hiding out in the bathroom for a while. She’s managed to dodge both her boys up until this point. The only reason she gets up to answer it is because it’s her little one who’s actively calling for her. Eleanor ties her robe together and splashes some water on her face before opening the door. Freddie’s past the bathroom already, making his way towards the kitchen stairway.

“Hey babs.” she calls before he gets any further.

Freddie turns on his heel and smiles widely.

“I’ve been looking for you all over!”

“You’ve found me.” she says.

“It’s bedtime.” he tells her.

“Already?”

She’d been in the bathroom longer than she thought because when she got home it was only half past seven. But if it’s time for Freddie to be in bed she’s been in the bathroom for an hour and a half.

“Tuck time, dad’s waiting for us.” he holds his hand out to and Eleanor lets him lead her upstairs to his room. Louis’ already there, having got Freddie’s bed turned down and his pajamas set out. “I found Ellie!”

“And I found empty candy wrappers under your pillow.” Louis says holding the evidence up for them to see.

“Those are mine.” Eleanor says.

“Yeah what Ellie said.” Freddie snatches his pajamas off the bed and runs into his bathroom to change.

“Oooh, covering for the little lad.” Louis shakes a finger at her.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” she shrugs taking a seat at the head of Freddie’s bed.

“Where you’ve been this evening?” Louis asks her, voice softer.

“Around.” Eleanor keeps her own tone vague.

“Els.” Louis is instantly worried now.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now Louis.” she holds a hand up to him to keep him from saying anything more as Freddie barrels out of the bathroom.

“Story time!” Freddie declares climbing on the bed next to Eleanor.

It’s their nightly routine on their days with Freddie. They tuck him into bed and read him a story until he’s fast asleep. Freddie’s a little more wired than usual tonight so it takes two chapters of Harry Potter before he dozes off and Louis’ suggests their get away.

“I want to stay with him for a bit.” Eleanor whispers. Freddie’s nestled himself so close to Eleanor’s side that she couldn’t move without waking him right back up anyway. Louis fixes her with a wary look but doesn’t say anything to her as he marks their place in the book and sets it on Freddie’s nightstand.

“I’ll be in soon.” Eleanor assures him.

Louis nods and leaves them be.

Eleanor looks down at the sleeping little boy next to her. Her days have never been more chaotic since she’s been an active part of his life, but she wouldn’t trade them for anything. She lives for the days he’s home with them and when he’s not she’s a little bit lost, unsure what to do with herself when she’s not running after him. She surprised herself with how quickly and naturally she fell into her step mum role.  Although as much as she loves Freddie she still can’t help feeling sad about the fact that that’s all she still is, only a step mum.

Eleanor stays with Freddie long enough that he eventually rolls over and lets go of the grip he had on her hand. Eleanor perfect at the art of stealth movements and she’s able to get out of the bed without jostling him a single inch. She flips his lamp off and his nightlight on and tip toes out of his room.

When she gets to her room she finds Louis’ showered and waiting for her in their bed. He doesn’t even have the TV on, or scrolling through his phone. He’s just waiting quietly with his hands folded across his stomach. She knows he’s not going to let her avoid him anymore. Eleanor closes their door halfway and comes to sit with Louis on his side of the bed.

“What’s bothering you love?” Louis asks her.

“I want to go see a doctor.” she tells him, deciding not to try and beat around it or she would never get to it.

“You feeling ill?” Louis sits up a bit straighter.

“Not exactly.” Eleanor shakes her head but reaches into the pocket of her robe. “I’ve taken two of these every month since January and they’ve all been negative.”

Eleanor holds up a pregnancy test up for Louis to see, the digital words reading _not pregnant_ might as well be flashing red at her.

“You’ve taken twelve of these?” Louis raises an eyebrow

“They come in two’s.” Eleanor mutters putting it back in her pocket. “But yeah, twelve of them, all of them a no.”

“I remember the ones in January, we did those together. Darling I had no idea you’ve been doing them ever since.” Louis moves closer to her and takes her hands. “This is why you’ve been so sad lately?”

“There’s something wrong with me Louis.” she says. “My birth control implant has been out since last September and you haven’t worn a condom in two years, if I’m not pregnant, something is wrong with me.”

“Doesn’t your implant take a while to stop working though once it’s out?” Louis wonders.

“Shouldn’t be taking this long.” Eleanor shakes her head.

They’ve been talking quite a lot recently about having a baby. The first conversation about it had them agreeing that they would wait until everything was settled. Eleanor’s move to the States, them getting married, and their share of Freddie happened so quickly that Eleanor doesn’t even remember taking a breath for two years. But after Freddie turned four and things started to calm down in a way, Louis had off handedly mentioned having baby fever and Eleanor was quick to respond with “ready when you are.”  They’d only brought it up again last summer and agreed that once Eleanor’s implant expired she wouldn’t have another one put in. She didn’t expect to be pregnant instantly after the removal but with eight months of no other preventions, she’s starting to think something is off.

“I’ll go too then.” Louis says. “We’ll both get checked out.”

Eleanor just nods.

“Don’t be sad love.” he pulls her into his arms and the touch is what makes her start to cry. “Everything will be okay.”

~

Louis’ always sort of secretly loved how fierce Eleanor is when she’s angry. The second Eleanor unleashes that on unsuspecting nurses in the doctor’s office; he quickly amends that he only loves that sort of fierceness when it’s directed at him and they’re at home with other ways for Eleanor to express herself. Louis’ left behind to apologize to everyone in their path as Eleanor makes a beeline out of the building to the parking lot. Louis refuses to run after her, he knows pictures are being taken and he’s already thinking of ways to twist how these are going to look. Eleanor’s a good ten feet ahead of him looking pissed off and him trailing behind after her. Louis is grateful that he held on to the car keys because he’s positive Eleanor would have left him there had she been the one driving. Instead she’s forced to wait for him at the car, but he knows better than to say anything to her until they’re inside of it. Louis starts it and switches the a/c on but he keeps it in park as he turns to face her.

“Please Louis I don’t want to talk about it.” Eleanor fishes in her purse for her sunglasses, he can see she’s seconds away from tears.

“Oh we definitely have to talk about this.” he disagrees.

“Okay then not here, can we at least wait until we get home?” she begs

And she’s got him there; this conversation doesn’t need to be documented in the growing gallery of the day.

Louis doesn’t understand why she’s so angry. They didn’t have bad news during this doctor visit, in his opinion they had great news. When Louis mentions this when they pull in the drive way at home it’s apparently the completely wrong thing to say. He actually winces at the burning look Eleanor shoots him before tearing out of the car and slamming the door behind her.

“Oh here we go.” Louis mumbles to himself and follows after her.

She’s slamming things around in the kitchen by the time he catches up with her. Louis plops down in a stool and rests his chin in his hand and watches her move about the kitchen.

“So clearly I’m an idiot, can you explain to me why you’re so upset right now?” he asks.

“I’m not pregnant Louis.” Eleanor snaps throwing open the cupboard door. Louis doesn’t think she’s even got a goal in mind; she just has to be doing something right now.

“Yeah we’ve established that, but the doctor just told us both that there’s nothing keeping you from being pregnant. You’ve got good eggs and my swimmers are high.” Louis reminds her.

“Your sperm count was never the question. There’s a five year old that runs around that’s perfect proof of that.” Eleanor points out. She closes the cupboard and moves to the dishwasher and starts unloading the clean dishes.

“So you just doubted yourself?” Louis wonders. “She told you everything about you is fine Els. You can have a baby.”

“If everything is fine then I should be pregnant already.” Eleanor says. “It’s been months Lou. We’ve been trying so hard, and it’s not happened yet.”

“Love we can’t just snap our fingers and have a baby, it doesn’t work like that.” Louis can see now that this is really getting to her, but he knows there’s really nothing more they can do than what they’re already doing.

“Apparently it does work for some people like that, quicker than the snap of fingers if I remember correctly.” Eleanor bites.

Louis sucks in a breath, Eleanor might as well have punched him. She seems to have realized exactly what she said and she immediately drops the dishes she has in her hands. All traces of anger have left her and are replaced with instant regret and sadness.

“I didn’t mean that.” Eleanor apologizes, dropping her head into her hands. “I’m so sorry Louis. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know.” Louis says quietly.

It’s the first time Eleanor had ever said something to him like that since they’ve been back together. He knows she would have never thrown that in his face on purpose.

“I don’t know why I said that.” she’s crying now. “I didn’t mean it how that sounded I’m so stupid why did I say that?”

Louis slides off the stool and goes around the counter to her and hugs her.

He knows how much she loves Freddie. He finally realizes now how frustrating it must be for her though to have Freddie around so much and be reminded all the time that he’s not actually hers. How it must be affecting her even more that they’ve been actively trying for a baby with no results.

“Maybe I’m just not supposed to be a mum.” Eleanor sniffs.

“You are a mum, Eleanor.” Louis lifts her on to the counter so she‘ll look at him “Freddie sees you as a mum.”

“I know that, and I love him, I do.” Eleanor runs her hands over Louis’ shoulders all the way down his chest; she takes his hands and holds them to her stomach. “I just want to be able to give you a baby, I want Freddie to have a little sibling, I want to feel something here and know we made that.”

“I want that too darling.” Louis kisses her forehead. “But you can’t make yourself worried sick over it if it’s not happening as fast we want it too. You’re going to stress yourself so much over it that it won’t be possible.”

Eleanor nods and leans forward resting her chin on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for your feelings.” Louis rubs her back. “I see now how much this means to you. I promise in one way or another we’ll have a baby.  Let’s just, for right now, let’s let it go. Don’t take anymore tests or anything like that. Let’s just be. You think you can do that? Just be here with me?”

Louis waits for her to gather herself and when she finally does she pulls herself back and smiles at him.

“There’s my girl.”

*

**_ December 2121 _ **

Louis takes the family home to London every December, and on Johannah’s anniversary they shop for the Christmas tree early in the morning and then spend the rest of the day decorating it. It’s the first Christmas that they’re all together again. Louis usually has to trade off holidays with Freddie and the older girls have been traveling the last few Christmases. But he’s got his boy with him this year and all of his siblings are home and he couldn’t be happier about it.

But everyone’s asleep now; all dispersed in their own rooms, except for Eleanor who fell asleep on the couch. Louis is the only one left awake because he’s putting the last ornaments on the tree. Every year since he was born his mum had taken a picture of him Christmas morning and for the next year she would string it on the tree as an ornament. When the girls started to come along she did the same thing year after year and Louis made sure even with her gone they still kept her tradition. Dan told him it’s Louis’ job as the oldest child but he knows deep down he gets tasked with it because he’s the only one patient enough to string the pictures together. There’s far too many to keep count of now and the only way he keeps track of the newer ones is because Eleanor’s started putting the dates on them.

Louis doesn’t mind going through the pictures, he knows it’s tedious but he likes reliving the memories of how chaotic it is to get them all to take a picture. He’s getting down to the last few, he can tell now not only by the dates because the group photo’s are missing a sister or two, and he’s got two solos of Freddie’s from when he didn’t get to have him with them. Louis gets to the picture they took last year, and it makes him a little sad because it’s their smallest group photo since they’ve been a family of ten. Freddie spent Christmas with his mum and all four older girls were on various vacations with friends.

“All right Mum.” Louis sighs as he ties the end of the string around the tree branch. “There you go.”

Louis turns back to the box the pictures were in to put it away but he finds one last picture still in there. But it’s not a group picture or a solo one of any of them. Louis has seen enough of them in his lifetime to instantly recognize an ultrasound picture. He has a slight moment of panic because he can tell the picture is no where near old enough to be him, or any of his sisters. It’s new and that sends his heartbeat into a frenzy because all of his sisters still live in this house and have access to this box on a daily. He picks it up now to look at it more closely. It’s definitely new, and whoever it belongs to is definitely pregnant. Louis squints in the light coming from the tree to read the printed information at the top.

_05/12/2121 - GA: 12w- EDD: 6/2122 - Tomlinson, Eleanor_

“Holy fucking shit.” Louis gasps.

He flips the picture over to the back and then to the front again like the name is going to change if he looks at it again. But it doesn’t. He’s holding an ultrasound picture of Eleanor’s, taken just two days ago that show she’s pregnant, twelve weeks to be exact.

“What the fuck.” Louis says again. Because he can’t believe that, how is she twelve weeks along and he didn’t know that, couldn’t see that. Louis looks over at her now, still asleep stretched out on the couch. She doesn’t look any different to him, but she is wearing one of his t-shirts and a pair of her shorts. It wouldn’t be hard for her to hide if she wanted to. If she even had anything to hide. But Louis shakes that off because she’s his wife, they shower together, Eleanor only wears pajamas to bed the three days of the week they have Freddie over night but that doesn’t mean Louis doesn’t touch her. Sometimes he can’t sleep unless he’s holding her close.

Louis goes and kneels on the floor in front of her, Eleanor’s positioned in a way that he can lift her shirt up without disturbing her. Louis spreads his hand over her entire abdomen and the second he feels it he sucks in a breath. He doesn’t know if it’s just because he knows he’s looking for something now, or if he was just clueless before. But he feels the very slight round shape her tummy is forming. He doesn’t see it, but he can certainly feel it and that’s enough for him to let out a laugh. The sound startles Eleanor awake and her hand, probably on instinct, flies to where Louis is touching. Her eyes open wider and she focuses on Louis, relaxing after she realizes it’s just him. She doesn’t move her hand from his.

“Hi.” she croaks out at him.

“Hi.” Louis smiles widely at her.

“What are you doing?” she asks him.

“Are you pregnant?”.

Eleanor freezes for only a few moments, and then her fingers tighten around Louis’ wrist and she smiles.

“You found it.” it’s not a question.

“I reckon I did.” Louis presses his hand against her stomach. “Not a joke then? It’s real?”

Eleanor hums and lays flat back on the couch, she positions Louis’ hand just a bit lower on her stomach, almost in the waist band of her shorts, and he feels the roundness become more prominent.

“Definitely real.” she tells him.

“Oh my god.” Louis stands up and pulls Eleanor with him yanking her right up into his arms. He pulls her into a deep kiss. “I fucking love you. How long have you known? Why didn’t you tell me? I really fucking love you.” Louis kisses her again before she can answer.

“Alright, down boy, down.” Eleanor giggles.

Louis sits down with her but keeps her in his lap. He pulls her shirt up again to look at her.

“I wanted to be sure.” Eleanor says. “I didn’t want to get hopes up or anything just in case but everything is good.”

“Twelve weeks?” Louis asks.

“I know.” Eleanor sighs. “It was really hard not to tell you, believe me. But then I started thinking of all the fun ways to tell you and it got exciting.”

Louis is a little bit obsessed right now and he fully owns that, he traces his thumbs over Eleanor’s belly button.

“About fucking time huh?” Eleanor says.

Louis laughs and buries his face in Eleanor’s chest.

But she’s right, it was about time.

But he would have waited all the time in the world for her.

*


End file.
